So this is where I am...

I have had a few months to reflect back on, and frankly, I am surprised. Things I was ready for I haven't experienced, and have dealt with things I wasn't expecting. And I never thought I would second guess myself so much. But, I am happily bumbling my way through it all. And it has been interesting.

So, from my experience so far, these are things I would like to share.

1. Sleepless nights aren't as horrible as they sound.  Yes, the next day sucks, but you get through it. Whether having a baby was planned or not, you will do anything and everything for them. And if that means walking the halls, singing, bouncing, rocking, and feeling the disappointment of having to start over because he woke up when you put him down... then so be it. We were all helpless at one point in our lives, and thankfully we had someone get us through it. At least that is what I tell myself when sleep deprivation comes lurking.

2. Your inner beast will awaken, and she will be fierce. I knew I was going to be a mama bear, but I never realized how primal I would feel. I feel like I am walking around constantly "armed and ready" even though I know that my son is okay and safe. I fear for the person that wrongly crosses my path.

3. I know it's love because I'm paranoid. I look at my son and along with the positive emotions I get, I get what some would consider negative emotions. Such as, paranoia, protectiveness, and sometimes possessive. Those emotions would undoubtedly ruin any other type of relationship. But when it comes to my son, I feel those "negative" things because I LOVE him.

4. Some women feel that instant bond. Others don't. I didn't. We all hear stories of that moment when the baby is placed on a mother's chest and they feel an instant bond and a glow. I felt none of that. I felt relief first. Relief of the process being over. And I remember thinking "I'm not pregnant anymore". I felt elation and recognition. There was love there of course. He was the son I had been waiting to meet. Lastly, I felt disappointed that I didn't feel that bond some women so fondly speak of. Day one and I already felt like a bad mom. My time spent in the hospital, I searched for it. Through the daze of adrenaline and exhaustion, I knew it was there. It wasn't until a week after he was home that it clicked for me. After greedily eating a meal in my lap, he dozed off into a milk coma, with a sleepy smile. And I cried. I knew it wasn't hormones. This was what I was looking for. That moment when everything I had in my lap nestled in my heart. And it has been growing unabound ever since.

5. My heart is no longer my own. It's true when they say that having a child is choosing to have your heart walk around outside your body. I was on the phone, catching up with my sister, and she asked me what I had been up to. Nothing. Work and taking care of baby are all I do. She jokingly said "I want to know your heart and soul". Without hesitation I said "Well, my soul is laying next to me drinking a bottle". And it was true. I looked down at his handsome face and saw myself. A formula covered, drooling version of myself!

6. Stretch marks are something to be worn. I used to worry about body image, and when I got pregnant I knew I was in for an anatomical revamp. Now I don't mind. My stretch marks are battle scars. Stripes of courage, and badges of honor. I wear them with pride because the reason I got them is worth more than anything I could imagine.

7. My life has been consumed by everything baby. And not in the sense of diaper changes and bottles. He is always at the forefront of my mind. I smile when I pull into the driveway when I have been at work all day. I check on him sleeping and hope he is having sweet baby dreams. I force myself to only text my babysitter once to see how he is doing, because I could easily blow up their phone all day. Some may say I'm obsessed. But how could I not be? Being a mom to him is amazing.

8. There will be no need to hire a clown for birthday parties. I am said clown. It's amazing the ridiculous antics I have been reduced to just to hear him laugh and see his smile. My lack of dancing skills and face contortions are apparently funny to my son.

I could actually go on and on, but I will stop here. After all, it's only been almost 4 months. There will be lots more to talk about!!