Goodbyes' Suck

Back in the day, and by that I mean a year ago, K would scream and cry for me when I would drop him off at daycare. It tore at my heart. It also made me long for the days where he would no longer be suffering through separation anxiety. I hated seeing him go through that and I hated having to leave him so I could go to work. Mom guilt at its finest, I tell ya'.

I never wanted him to be okay with me leaving him, but I wanted the anxiety to be over. And it is. He is a very independent 2 year old now, and his longing for mom to stick around a little longer is fading. It is being replaced with the interest in other kids at daycare, the fun crafts he is going to make, and the knowing that he will have a fun day and be well taken care of. And all of that makes me happy and makes me feel better about his day while I am gone. But...

Now instead of trying to extricate myself from surprisingly strong little hands and of cries of "Mom! Mom!", he happily joins in on the fun whilst I easily leave and walk to my car... head hung low just wishing he would yell for his mama one last time. And in case you are wondering, no I do not want my son to cry uncontrollably and experience anxiety. I just selfishly crave the verbal affirmation that he needs me.

Because he is growing up. He is 2!! Seriously, what am I going to do when he gets his driver's license and a car, or goes off to college? I'm not exactly sure what I may do but if you know me this is what YOU should do...lock me up :) Because I just might lose it!

Happy Birthday to Me?

     Well, it finally happened to me. I turned 30 years old yesterday. I tried avoiding it but the universe didn't get my memo. Oh well.

     Looking back on this last year I am amazed, proud, blown away. I thought I would be horribly sad to be leaving my twenties. Does it suck? Yeah. But not too bad.

     During my last year in my twenties I had my little munchkin. My mom was 29 when she had me. It is a pretty awesome way to go out. I was born at 4:46 a.m. on May 29. (I am beginning to think the number 29 may have some significance). At 4:46 on the morning of my birthday, I was feeding my son. Ironic, huh? I finally started chasing my dream of going to college. Which is going great so far! And I am creating a home life that I have always wanted. See why it is so hard to let go of being 29?

     These last thirty years have been fun, exhausting, strengthening, and all together amazing. Looking at Kendrick, I often wonder how I got as far as I did without him. Or anyone in my life for that matter. I know I wouldn't make it now knowing what I have, and would be without.

     So I look forward to these next thirty years. They will be full of love, anticipation, excitement, and probably a fair share of annoyance from Nick! I can say that because he doesn't read these posts. I kid, but seriously.

     Thank you to everyone for the beautiful birthday wishes, your unrelenting support, and begrudgingly admitted love ;)

Messy Baby

     I keep a clean house. Or what I consider to be clean. A lived in house shouldn't look like a museum. Mess gives character. Dirt gives me an eye twitch.

     Kendrick recently started solid foods. And I have to admit, making messes is fun. Especially when the mess is on a cute face. It tested my cleaning OCD the first time. I had a washcloth ready to go to catch the food fun.

     The first time he made a raspberry sound with his lips was with a mouthful of carrots. This is when I realized that the color orange looked good on me! The mess and the laughter that followed made me forget about the ready to go washcloth.

     This is his "What are you feeding me?" look. He loves the new experiences, and I love watching his expressions. He knows how to make a face! So far my favorite was his green bean mustache and gummy grin!

And It Begins

My baby is becoming an independent person. I knew it was going to start happening, but I was not prepared for it to be so soon.

Kendrick has been sleeping in his bassinet in our room since he was born. We were obviously aware that this could not be a long term thing. Since the risk of SIDS gets drastically lowered at six months, I figured we could make the full transition then. And it would give me time to mentally prepare. A couple of months ago we started putting him in his crib for naps to get him used to his room, but had yet to put him in there overnight.

He had other plans last night. At 7 p.m. he passed out. It is not unusual. He tends to take a 20 minute nap around that time, then will go down for the night no later than 9:30 p.m. So I put him in his crib for the usual nap time. Five hours later he is still sleeping.

I am not. It was weird. My baby boy was sleeping soundly in his own room. While I loved that he was sleeping so amazing, I wanted to be selfish, grab him up and bring him into our room. He woke up around 12:30 a.m., got a diaper change, and a bottle. I got snuggles and formula all over me. Not going to lie. I got teary eyed. I had missed him. From the time I got home from work to when he fell asleep, it was only an hour and a half. That is not enough for me to spend with him after being away all day.

So he falls back asleep. I had a choice to make. Bassinet or crib? I gathered him up, got some extra snuggles, and carried my sleeping boy to his crib. While I didn't like it at first, I know it was the right decision. There will be times where I am going to have to let him do his own thing. And while it was just another sleepy night for him it was a pivotal moment for me. Even moms take baby steps.

Although, in four years I am going to be a wreck when he goes to school. A teaching certificate may be in order for me ;)

I Am My Mother

The phrase "I will never be like you" is probably the most uttered during adolescent years. I know I have said it. I'm sure you have, too. What is so horrible about being like our parents? If you were blessed, like me, you were given great parents, a loving home, and just enough dysfunction to give you a sense of humor. So why did I say those words? Ignorance. 

There are two things in life that will make you look back on those years full of raging, teenage hormones and make you shake your head: Maturity and having your own child. One or the other will do the trick, but if you experience both you might as well add a head scratch to that shake. 

My 4.5 month old son has a new game and the rules consist of this: he pretends to cry and I have to give him attention and call him a cry baby. The prize is I get to hear his amazing laugh. Until I look away. Then the game starts over. The other day we were playing this very complicated game when I jokingly said, "I will give you something to cry about." I had to catch myself from looking around the room for my mom. That got me thinking of other similarities we have. We cry when we laugh, and we both hate grocery shopping with a passion. We put our families first and there is nothing we wouldn't do for them. 

Being like my mother isn't so bad. Just stop me when I start snorting when I laugh.

I Will Practice What I Preach

I have always been a dreamer. I like to stretch my imagination. Not to sound pompous, but I was blessed with a brain. I had goals and plans for my life. After high school, I was going to go to college. I didn't. I had no idea what I wanted to be when I "grew up" and it became a decade long excuse, among others.  I don't know what happened, but I got off track. Or did I? Maybe the concrete road to success was too smooth for me. Maybe,  I am more of a pot hole, bumpy road kind of gal. It seems that way.

I know how I got to where I am. Loud, fast and without regret.

But my son has changed me. I am patient, calm, and inspired. I want him to experience a great life. I want him to LIVE his life, and follow his dreams. But, how can I teach him that if I am not doing it myself? I don't want him to look at me one day and in response to something life changing or significant say, "Well, you didn't so why do I?"

I was curled up with him the other day, and he was just looking at me with his big, beautiful eyes and they were filled with trust and wonder...and eye boogers. So I gave him a bath and the whole time he was smiling and laughing, I was thinking of ways I could make my life better. For him.

The next day I dropped all the excuses, apprehension, and reservations I had and began the process of getting enrolled in college courses. So now I am a mom, an employee, a "housewife", and a student. Not a single person on this planet can look at me and say I am not trying.

I feel rejuvenated. And I have my son to thank for that. He is not even 5 months old and he has already inspired me so much.

I think the increase in posts I have written was my first clue!

So this is where I am...

I have had a few months to reflect back on, and frankly, I am surprised. Things I was ready for I haven't experienced, and have dealt with things I wasn't expecting. And I never thought I would second guess myself so much. But, I am happily bumbling my way through it all. And it has been interesting.

So, from my experience so far, these are things I would like to share.

1. Sleepless nights aren't as horrible as they sound.  Yes, the next day sucks, but you get through it. Whether having a baby was planned or not, you will do anything and everything for them. And if that means walking the halls, singing, bouncing, rocking, and feeling the disappointment of having to start over because he woke up when you put him down... then so be it. We were all helpless at one point in our lives, and thankfully we had someone get us through it. At least that is what I tell myself when sleep deprivation comes lurking.

2. Your inner beast will awaken, and she will be fierce. I knew I was going to be a mama bear, but I never realized how primal I would feel. I feel like I am walking around constantly "armed and ready" even though I know that my son is okay and safe. I fear for the person that wrongly crosses my path.

3. I know it's love because I'm paranoid. I look at my son and along with the positive emotions I get, I get what some would consider negative emotions. Such as, paranoia, protectiveness, and sometimes possessive. Those emotions would undoubtedly ruin any other type of relationship. But when it comes to my son, I feel those "negative" things because I LOVE him.

4. Some women feel that instant bond. Others don't. I didn't. We all hear stories of that moment when the baby is placed on a mother's chest and they feel an instant bond and a glow. I felt none of that. I felt relief first. Relief of the process being over. And I remember thinking "I'm not pregnant anymore". I felt elation and recognition. There was love there of course. He was the son I had been waiting to meet. Lastly, I felt disappointed that I didn't feel that bond some women so fondly speak of. Day one and I already felt like a bad mom. My time spent in the hospital, I searched for it. Through the daze of adrenaline and exhaustion, I knew it was there. It wasn't until a week after he was home that it clicked for me. After greedily eating a meal in my lap, he dozed off into a milk coma, with a sleepy smile. And I cried. I knew it wasn't hormones. This was what I was looking for. That moment when everything I had in my lap nestled in my heart. And it has been growing unabound ever since.

5. My heart is no longer my own. It's true when they say that having a child is choosing to have your heart walk around outside your body. I was on the phone, catching up with my sister, and she asked me what I had been up to. Nothing. Work and taking care of baby are all I do. She jokingly said "I want to know your heart and soul". Without hesitation I said "Well, my soul is laying next to me drinking a bottle". And it was true. I looked down at his handsome face and saw myself. A formula covered, drooling version of myself!

6. Stretch marks are something to be worn. I used to worry about body image, and when I got pregnant I knew I was in for an anatomical revamp. Now I don't mind. My stretch marks are battle scars. Stripes of courage, and badges of honor. I wear them with pride because the reason I got them is worth more than anything I could imagine.

7. My life has been consumed by everything baby. And not in the sense of diaper changes and bottles. He is always at the forefront of my mind. I smile when I pull into the driveway when I have been at work all day. I check on him sleeping and hope he is having sweet baby dreams. I force myself to only text my babysitter once to see how he is doing, because I could easily blow up their phone all day. Some may say I'm obsessed. But how could I not be? Being a mom to him is amazing.

8. There will be no need to hire a clown for birthday parties. I am said clown. It's amazing the ridiculous antics I have been reduced to just to hear him laugh and see his smile. My lack of dancing skills and face contortions are apparently funny to my son.

I could actually go on and on, but I will stop here. After all, it's only been almost 4 months. There will be lots more to talk about!!

If being pregnant has taught me anything...

     I have always been pretty good about being patient. Most of the time. Unless I am super excited about something and have the power to get it myself right away. Being pregnant is way different. For obvious reasons. Apparently, you can't just go out and get a baby at the drop of a hat, and sadly a stork doesn't just drop them off. You have to get through nine months of stuff. Ugh.

     Even though this was an oops pregnancy I have been wanting babies, and dogs, and picket fences. Okay,  maybe just babies and dogs. So once we found out we were pregnant I thought "Awesome! Here we go!" It did not take me long to realize I was not born with the glowing, serenity gene and love of being pregnant. Just thinking of those (lucky) women stirs my third trimester nausea.

     The time has actually flown by. It is everything else making me want to just have this little guy already and get it over with. I am ready. I am waiting. Let's do this. Nine months is a long time to day dream and plan and freak out. I can only get his room ready so many times before it gets ridiculous. Come to think of it, it probably already has.

     I feel as if I just roam the halls of my house and imagine what it is going to be like. I can't count the amount of times I just walk into his room and look around. And if I go through his clothes one more time, I may just call it what it is and become a self-certified creeper.

     My silver lining is this. I have learned patience through being with Nick. He is a handful, in a fun and loving way. My eye sockets hurt some days from the excessive eye rolling. I have learned patience from anxiously awaiting the arrival of our son. I only have two and a half-ish weeks left until I can confirm my suspicion that he is, in fact, the most handsome little man ever. By the time he gets here, I will have the patience of a saint. Maybe then I will acquire that mythical glow I keep hearing about.

     If anything, it will give me time to practice for when he gets old enough and both he and Nick take turns driving me crazy. I look forward to it :)

Things I Want My Son to Know...

     I have often thought of things I would put in this post and the more I thought the harder it became to write. So here I go. No thinking. Just writing.

     I always saw myself as a mom but I never actually thought it would happen. Now that it is happening, I think of what I want my son to know. I can't teach him everything. And as hard as it is to admit, I don't know everything. Shocking, I know. Some things he will learn on his own. A lot of which I'm sure in hindsight I am going to wish I had taught him first.

     But here are a few things I know that I will want him to hear from me.

1. Be the man you would want your son to be. We all have a vision of our son growing up to be, for lack of a better comparison, Prince Charming. Perfection in all things. We know that isn't possible but don't be a toad. Treat people with kindness and respect, even the most undeserving.

2. Your clothes are not wearable napkins. Don't be a slob. Cleanliness is next to momliness :) And your future wife will appreciate and respect a man who knows how to pick up after himself. Which brings me to...

3. Gender stereotypes are not excuses to get away with not doing things that are a "woman's job".  You will be surprised the response you get for folding the laundry and putting it away, or putting a nice home-cooked meal on the table.

4. If you find yourself in conflict, use your words. If you are anything like your dear, old ma then you will be blessed with a silver tongue. Defuse. Don't ignite.

5. Chivalry is not dead, people are just lazy. Just because you get the girl doesn't mean you automatically keep her. Relationships take work. Time wears people thin and we forget that the smallest of gestures bring the biggest smiles to our hearts. You should see your Grandma smile when Grandpa opens her car door for her. Again, it's the little things.

6. I don't care how old you are, I will never be too busy or not have time for you. 

7.  Real men really do wear pink. Don't get sucked into the stereotypes. It is very restricting and an immature way of thinking.

8. Family first. Always.

9. Always encourage. Never discourage. Even if somebody's dreams or ideas don't make sense to you, be there to give them a nudge forward if they get stuck.

10. Embrace change. We live in a fast world. With change comes new opportunities. New things to be learned. Never shy away from things that are new or different for you will only be limiting yourself.

11. There is a bright side. Choose to always see that first and foremost.

12. Crying doesn't make you any less of a man. You will very often hear your father describing everything he does as manly. Most of the time he is just being a goof. You will also often hear people say that men don't cry. Crying is just an expression of an emotion. That would be like telling you not to show your excitement on Christmas morning. That's just ridiculous. Never be afraid to shed tears. Sometimes it is exactly what you need to do.

13. I love you.